Tree Stand Hunting

Before I get into this I need to let you know that I grew up in the west. We hunted deer by stalking them. In the mountains of southern Arizona we learned what canyons and valleys the deer loved to bed down in ... to feed in .. and we learned to sneak within handgun range. I had never hunted from a tree stand until I in my 40's.

Fast forward to Missouri. My friends were taking me hunting in the Mark Twain National Forest in southern Missouri. I was not used to hunting in the heavy brush but was anxious to try. We were up before the sun and hiking into a spot they said was "very productive." They told me that it had good shooting lanes and that I could see a lot of area from it. Not knowing what awaited me I said "Sure. Whatever you think." trusting that they knew what they were doing.

After hiking for quite some time in the dark one of the guys said, "This is it." I was not sure what IT was. We were on a small hill and there was a large tree in front of me. They were looking upward so I did also. The top of tree disappeared in the darkness. I had no clue so I asked, "What is it?" "Your tree stand." was the reply.

Oh my. Looking up in the darkness I thought maybe I could see something 'way up there but I was not sure what it was. I began to wonder how the heck was I supposed to get to it if that was where I was to go. Looking closer at the tree I saw large nails driven into the sides of the tree. They went like a railroad track up into the darkeness. I thought "No way!" But .. it was "yes way!"

There was a rope that was hanging out of the darkness above. They explained that I needed to tie my pack to the rope so I could pull it up to the stand after I was in place .. 'way up there. Since I was hunting with a handgun and had it in a shoulder holster they felt I could make the climb OK with it on.

Now I have never been svelte like Noodle ... I have always been chunky ever since I passed 30. I am not sure if you ever saw a fat boy doing his first climb into a tree stand .. trying to hold onto nails that had been spaced for someone about 6 foot 5" ... but it must have looked humorous to those on the ground ... at least it sounded that way.

About halfway up I was near hyper-ventilating. Climbing to unknown heights in the dark is not something I enjoyed. But .. we are supposed to be hunting so I sucked it up and made the climb ... with several near disasters on the way up. I could barely reach some of those nails!

I clambored onto the little platform that was in the top of the swaying tree and discovered that while it was larger than a postage stamp it did not feel any larger than a bathroom scale! Way below me in the dark voice encouraged me to pull my pack up, which I did. I had food and water in it and figured I might be here until a helicopter rescue arrived. I had no idea how the heck I was gonna go DOWN that tree!

Someone on the ground told me that there was a nylon rope on the stand. This was to be fastened around my waist, just in case I fell out. The rope would stop my fall about halfway to the ground. Snickering they said that if I fell out, when the rope stopped my fall I was to take out my knife, tense my body real good, and then cut the rope. "And please try not to fall on your knife." was the last thing I heard from the departing help.

Eventually daylight arrived and I could see where I was. True .. I had a wonderful view. I felt like I was on top a 30 story building. I could see out across the trees for quite a long distance. The fact that the wind was blowing and sitting in the tree stand was more like being on the deck a small boat in high seas sorta destroyed the beauty of the scenery. I tied the nylon rope around my waist and waited.

And waited.
And waited.

Over the course of the next 4 hours I ate all my food ... drank all my water. The only animals I saw were squirrels at the foot of the tree rifling through all the peanut hulls I had dropped. I saw several other people .. mostly hikers and bird-watchers. They had seen what looked like a brilliant orange beach ball in the top of a tree on a hill and hiked over to see that it was just me in hunter orange, stuck up in the tree.

Eventually my companions returned and coaxed me out of the tree. I lowered my pack and then began the perilous journey down the nails. About 10 feet off the ground the boot lace on my left foot got hooked on the nail and as I stepped down I ended up with my left foot beside my cheek. This was extremely hilarious to my "friends" on the ground. They were laughing too hard to help me and it took some time for me to get untangled. Eventually I arrived on Mother Earth and kissed her.

I have never hunted from a tree stand again.